To the friends I thought I knew,

I never once thought that you and I would ever get this way and I really hope this is just a phase. We grew apart during college because we all have different lives now and different people but that never stopped us our first year to reach out to each other. It just became difficult when you started getting into your Greek life which I don’t blame because I mean it is part of college life.

I was different, I plunged myself into my studies and tried my hardest to succeed and get out of college as fast as I could. But obviously, things turned wrong for me when family and my condition got worse. I confined you about it but obviously, you just did not really care. But that’s okay because I did not tell you the extend of it.

I miss you and I know for sure that if you were to reach out to me then I will 100% with no doubt go to you and listen to anything you say. Because I will be there for you no matter what. I just now know that it’s just not going to be reciprocated.

Eventually, our relationship became a one sided relationship.

Maybe I did something wrong, maybe my way of living got too much for you and you just could not understand it. But that’s okay because as bad as this sounds, I found people who replaced you. I bet you that you found someone new to replace me too and that’s okay. It’s just sad and disappointing that our friendship has just come to this.

You left me when I was pretending everything and did not know what was going on in my life. I was single, unhappy, hurt, but could still handle. While you were gone, things got worse, things got difficult, I’m half-alive, but I found a significant other who accepted me with all my flaws. And to be honest with you, you could not handle me at my worst.

What makes you think that you can have me at my best when you can’t handle me at worst? 

If you come back into my life, it’ll be different but I hope you do and we are able to work things out because at the end of the day, I’m that person who does not like to lose people and will catch you no matter what.

Thank You

To the people who picked me up when I was broken (and still am). Thank you for having being there for me. Thank you for going out of your way for me. Thank you J. for being the reason why I am still standing here today smiling. Without you, without my roommates, without my group of boys, I honestly do not know how I would have been able to survive these crazy three months.

This year was extremely difficult on me and so like the past years but this time, everything hurts. My mind, my body, my heart, I was not myself anymore. The first half of the year was made of me running away from my problems, the second was me beating myself up because of it and going crazy. A mental breakdown occurred midway of the year and for the last I was able to somewhat stand half-tall next to the people who helped me through it all.

I started this year with a positive mindset, as a good daughter, to be the respectable and good daughter that my parents wanted. I ended broken, hurt, but with crutches as friends to help me up.

I want people to know that I am still to this day not okay. I will never be okay. I am emotionally and physically hurt that it is really hard for me to get up, however with the help of people who actually do care about me, I am standing here alive.

So thank you for loving me. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for listening to me. And thank you for being the reason why I am alive typing this today.

I love you all.

Happy Birthday you fucker

I think I am at a point in my life where I just don’t give a crap anymore. I fucked up. We all fucked up. But it’s okay, I’m still alive, it’s all good. So yeah me! Live life to the fullest because the things that have happened are not bad and neither did I regret anything. Happy Birthday to me, i hope i can fuck up more so I can be happy.

Dear me.

I know you’re struggling right now. I know how much you’re hurting right now. I know how hard it is right now. I know how you give advice to people but can’t even listen to your own advice because you’re so stubborn. Life is difficult right now, I know. It’s okay, life happens right? It’s part of life. Stop beating yourself up. Stop being so sad in yourself. Stop being so angry. Stop being so scared. Stop being so mean to yourself. Stop hating yourself.

High school was tough. People were mean and people didn’t accept you. It’s okay we passed through it but then college came. College came and you, I mean WE, thought it was going to get better. New area, new school, a brand new fresh start. That didn’t happen. You didn’t realize that what you got yourself into was crazy and hectic. Your studying became your life, you had no passion to do anything but to study and get the grades that your parents wanted. You never did anything that you wanted. You just listened.

But that’s okay, at least you have a path. See, you do have a path, even if it’s super hard. But then, school became your life. You began stressing out a lot, you have anxiety, you go to a therapist.. Something’s wrong isn’t it? What is it? Is it everything? i know you have a lot of pressure on your shoulders and head.

You’re going crazy.

You’re slacking in turning things in on time. You forget about assignments. You don’t do the best of your ability. You stop paying attention. You’re not okay. You’re lost. You’re confused. You’re depressed.

So what are you going to do now? Well, what are we going to do now? Is it over? Do we cry ourselves to sleep every night like we usually do? Do we just pray that this pain will walk away on its own? Do we keep on pretending that everything is okay as we always do?

We need to stop pretending. Stop faking our smiles, stop thinking that everything’s okay, stop pretending that we’re mentally okay.

I know that your family isn’t understanding to anything that you say. Your parents keep on hoping that you’ll turn out to be what they want. Your sister is another authority figure, another mom. She just wants you to be what she wants you to be. You’ll never be the result that they’ll want.

But as much as you are struggling with life and your mental health, think about the people around you that love you. Your family. As much as they won’t understand what you’re going through, they’re your rock no matter what so don’t do anything stupid that you’ll regret…

It’s hard and it’s going to continue being hard. I’m not gonna say that it’s gonna be okay because it’s not. You’re going to keep crying every night like you have been but you have to know that this isn’t the end of the world. This is not where you crumble. This isn’t going to end you. You, WE, have to get up and fight. We’ve been through so much that honestly we’re heartless. The things around us has made us desensitized to what is right or wrong. Things are gonna keep being difficult and hard and that’s part of life. Even if we’re not mentally or physically stable, this isn’t going to kill us. I am not gonna let it kill us.

So now, what do we do to stop ourselves from killing us?

Love, me.

Own it.

You know those moments when you’re just sad? Unbearably sad for just no reason? It’s okay i know how you feel. I feel like that almost everyday. I understand what it feels like to feel as if you have no one.

You wake up thinking that you’ll be able to have a good day filled with good people. You stay positive to make sure you’re not a Debby-downer. You continue your day facing through the bad news; grades you didn’t want, disrespectful people, things that just make you sad. But still, you go on to your day thinking that it’ll get better. Then when it’s time to sleep, you rethink about all the things that you could’ve done to make things better. “maybe I should’ve done that” or “maybe I should’ve been nicer”.

Stop it. Just stop.

Stop pretending that you’re okay. Stop pretending that everything is going to be okay. It’s not. Realize that you have to quit faking your smile to others for them to believe that you’re okay. So what if you’re not? What if this isn’t the life you even wished for? March through. Stop psyching yourself thinking that if people think you’re okay that you really are.

To those bad grades, well do something. What if what you’re majoring or studying is something you despise? You’re wasting money and time (I completely understand do not trip). If you’re sad, then be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. Just be respectful of others when they’re around. But if they’re acting like assholes. Do whatever you please.

Realize that life doesn’t work out the way we would want. I wished to be happy, to pursue something that made me happy and I’m still struggling at that.

So take a breather, go on a road trip with your best friend, have fun to your heart contents for one day. That one day, go all out. Forget all the shits, forget reality, forget all your worries. Just have fun.

Come back and return to reality with a straight head. Realize that you have to own up to your shit. Realize that you’re fucking badass and that you can get through this. You have to face it. You can’t pretend. Don’t act like nothing happened. Act like that your friend’s rude joke didn’t get to you. Make sure of that and face it.

Just, do things that will make you happy.

Love, S.